2020 Team 19 - Team Margaux

 It took my husband and I a year and a half to become pregnant with Margaux. The month prior I had a miscarriage so, when I found out I was pregnant again so quickly, I was shocked. It was Father’s Day that weekend, so I decided to wait to tell Aaron and surprised him with a card and a cute little onesie that said “Worth the Wait”. Because of my previous miscarriage we were scared that we would lose this pregnancy as well. But as the weeks passed, and my bloodwork and ultrasound came back promising, the fear faded and the excitement grew.
The baby was so active that we called her our little ninja. The theme song to Jeopardy would always get her moving and we were sure she was listening to the questions, absorbing the information, and would be a baby genius.
Aaron was convinced she was a girl from the beginning and, when her gender was confirmed during our anatomy scan, we thought we better finally decide on a name. A few days later Aaron saw a clip from the movie “Christmas Vacation” and nonchalantly suggested the name “Margot”. It was perfect. Not long after that Aaron’s mother suggested the French spelling of the name and our little ninja officially became Margaux.
We spent the weeks and months before Margaux’s due date preparing for her much anticipated arrival. We set up her nursery, bought her stroller and car seat, and curated the perfect little wardrobe. We had a beautiful baby shower and everything was washed, folded, and in its place ready for her. We started to plan all of the adventures we would go on, which sports she would excel at. We imagined what she would be like as an adult, what career she might have - we even joked about how much her wedding was going to cost us. We could see her whole future in front of us.
Despite being in law school Aaron was able to make almost all of my prenatal appointments. We looked forward to them and to hearing Margaux’s heartbeat. At every appointment, we were reassured by how well everything was going and how “textbook” my pregnancy was. Even when I brought up concerns about her change in movement, I was reassured repeatedly that it was normal and that she was happy and healthy.
On February 15th Aaron and I went in for what we thought would be a routine prenatal check. The medical student took the lead on our appointment, asked all the typical questions and then proceeding to have me hop onto the exam table so we could listen to Margaux’s heartbeat. When he put the probe on my stomach, there was nothing - white noise - and I knew. I started trying to rationalize the silence, to come up with a reason the student couldn’t find her heartbeat. The student left the room and returned with the supervising doctor who also tried, and failed, to find Margaux’s heartbeat. We were then sent up to Labour & Delivery for an ultrasound with the on-call obstetrician. After an agonizing few minutes, the obstetrician put down the wand, gathered herself, and said in a quiet voice: “I’m so sorry, her heart has stopped.” And with those words our entire world crumbled around us.
Time stopped and the moments all started to smear together. Rage overtook me and it was everything I could do to keep myself from screaming. But we were alone and knew that birthing Margaux would be a huge undertaking. We swallowed our emotions and focused on the task at hand.
Margaux Isabelle Caroline Sutherland was born at 4:05pm Friday, February 17th, 2017. She weighed 6lbs 15oz and was 20 inches long. She had a full head of almost black hair, chubby cheeks, a button nose, and the most perfect little lips. She was everything. She was our first child and the first grandchild for both families.
We spent an incredible hour and half together. We studied her face and took a few pictures. We cried and laughed and snuggled. We marvelled at how much she looked like me and how perfect she was. I remember thinking how heavy she was. I thought she would be this tiny little thing but she was big and chubby and beautiful. And then we had to give her back.

I wish I could say that we spent hours and hours with her taking pictures and making memories but, for many reasons, that didn’t happen. Not having those things is one of the biggest regrets of my life which is why we are so honoured to be a part of Hockey for Grace in support of Emily’s House - a place that devotes itself to facilitating memory making for families who would otherwise have far fewer.
Margaux is still, and will always be, an important and active member of our family. We talk about her every day and try to include her in all of our adventures. We are so grateful to have her included in Hockey for Grace and for the opportunity to see and hear her name loud and proud. We love her and we miss her.

Aaron & Theresa Sutherland
~Margaux’s parents

 
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