2020 Team 15 - Team Alyeska

When my husband, Matt, and I found out we were expecting our third child we were in shock. Matt had a vasectomy 7 months earlier and it didnt even Cross my mind as a possibility I was pregnant.

We did every possible test to make sure everything was ok since I didnt know I was pregnant and opted to find out the gender since we were already had a massive surprise! After two boys and a vasectomy we were going to have a little girl.  I had called her a miracle baby from the beginning but when we found out it was a girl it felt like an even bigger miracle! 

I was feeling great, our oldest boy was so excited to have a sister and we told the world when we were "in the safe zone". 

I went in at 17 weeks just for a check up with my midwife. I was really excited to maybe hear the heart beat but knew that it might be too early.  She tried with the doppler and couldn't find anything and deep down I just knew something wasn't right. She gave me a requisition for an ultrasound and I spent the next half hour calling all the x-ray clinics in the area until I found one that had an opening that day. 

40 minutes later I was waiting to see my little girl on the ultrasound. They showed her to me and my mom, but they didn’t let me hear the heart beat and said that my midwife would be in touch. 

I left the clinic feeling sick and cried most of the way home until I got the call.  

"The call" and the next few days were some of the most traumatic days in my life.  The call didn’t come until about 230 that day and I asked for a second ultrasound because the first one must be wrong.  I had to go to the hospital the next morning for 10. I had the ultrasound and sadly I was the one who was wrong. 

I was sent up to labor and delivery. I did not know what was going to happen. I thought that I would be put to sleep and I would wake up and it would all be over with, I was wrong again.  

I was given two options; I could go home and let my body naturally deliver her - which could take up to 4 weeks since she was measuring right where she should be so she had passed recently or I could be induced and deliver her at the hospital.  

Knowing the complications, I had with my previous deliveries I opted to be induced. Seemed so ironic that I had to have c sections for my boys but that I could give birth to my baby girl who was already gone. 

I had several rounds of drugs to get things going and Delivered our baby girl at 343 am August 23rd - she was beautiful and so small. And I got to spend the next 11 hours in the labor and delivery room with her until I had to go for surgery because I never delivered the placenta, and everything had closed back up. 

I left the room and never went back. I lost a little part of my heart that day. 

They sent Alyeska for pathology, but we still haven't heard anything back on the cause of death. 

We had Alyeska cremated and she is in the smallest little urn at home with us where she should be. 

 Alyeska was due on February 11th 2020 - which is also our anniversary - this year it will be bittersweet 

I'm not sure I've felt emotional pain like this before. I had made plans for us as a family- thought about her future. All of the firsts that will never happen.  

I am still devastated over our loss. I should be going in for a scheduled c section this week but instead I am writing this.  

I am so grateful that I was asked to share my story - a massive thank you goes out to those playing on team Alyeska and also to those who are able to support team Alyeska either by donating or being there to cheer them on.